撸先生

Hidden within the public health crisis of COVID-19, a twin pandemic arose: intimate partner violence.

By Megan Bradshaw
Illustrations By David Calkins 鈥�93

Kendall Ann Combs was a split second away from being a statistic.

After a promising relationship with a man she met online descended into abuse over the course of 21 months, Combs 鈥�03, 鈥�08 had finally decided she wanted out. 

Supported by a cousin, she signed a lease for a new apartment and returned to her old one to retrieve her laptop and her dog, a 100-pound golden doodle named Ozzie.

Combs calls what happened next a 鈥�21-minute, real fight for my life.鈥�

鈥淗e was on top of me in the kitchen, and he was smacking my head against the linoleum floor,鈥� she recalls. 鈥淚 was starting to see black dots, and I was losing my peripheral vision. I was so afraid that he was going to kill me and that my mom and dad were never going to know what happened to me.鈥�

Running out of strength, Combs called for Ozzie, barrel-chested and as tall as a great Dane, who bounded into the room and rushed her attacker. That gave her the time to get out鈥攚ith Ozzie.

鈥淚 had blood all over me, and it was terrifying,鈥� she says. 鈥淚t was in those minutes that I truly understood that I was a survivor of domestic violence.鈥�

Intimate partner violence (IPV) has happened for millennia. But over the last two years, evidence of incidents has increased dramatically in the U.S. and globally. 

The United Nations published a report late last year shining a light on what it called 鈥渢he shadow pandemic鈥� of violence against women occurring amid the public health crisis. The pandemic intensified many of the conditions that can fuel intimate partner violence, with many families facing economic tension along with the stress and uncertainty created by COVID-19.

鈥淸The signs of ] intimate partner violence [are] something that [can be] pretty hidden, in terms of how obvious it is to people that aren鈥檛 in the relationship,鈥� says Jelilat Williams 鈥�16, a therapist at Syracuse-based , an organization that aims to prevent and respond to abuse. 鈥淏ut the pandemic made something that was already shrouded even more difficult to pick up. I don't remember a time [in the last two years] when there wasn't a waitlist [for services].鈥� 

撸先生 psychology professor Tina Dardis defines IPV as any type of violence that can occur between individuals in a relationship. Typically, there are four types鈥攅motional or psychological, physical, sexual and stalking鈥攁nd all can occur face to face and/or online.

鈥淭hey form a nexus of what we often refer to as coercive control, a pattern of behaviors that's designed to increase one's power and control over their partner,鈥� says Dardis, who researches IPV. 

The statistics are eye opening. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 16% of homicides are perpetrated by a partner. A staggering 25% of women and 10% of men experience some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetimes. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. And a report from the American Journal of Emergency Medicine said domestic violence cases increased by 25鈥�33% globally in 2020.

Violent domestic crime rose 31% year over year in Baltimore City, from 354 incidents in the first three months of 2020 to 462 in the first three months of 2021, according to Baltimore Police Department (BPD) data. Among those incidents, domestic aggravated assaults increased 35%, from 266 to 359 during that period. Total reported cases of IPV swelled from 1,376 in 2020 to 1,499 in 2021.

The city鈥檚 first homicide of 2021 was domestic, according to the BPD. Investigators charged Lakeyria Doughty, 26, a dirt biker known as 鈥淲heelie Queen,鈥� who was featured in the HBO movie Charm City Kings, with fatally stabbing her partner, 33-year-old Tiffany Wilson on New Year鈥檚 Day.

There are plenty of stereotypes when it comes to IPV victims. Tall, confident and in her late 30s, Combs now bears no outward signs of having been in an abusive relationship.

鈥淵ou wouldn't expect someone who鈥檚 an extrovert and successful to be a survivor of this type of abuse,鈥� says Combs. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a fallacy that it only happens to meek women.鈥� 

Another misconception is that IPV only happens to those who identify as women.

鈥淲e know from a lot of research women can absolutely be perpetrators,鈥� Dardis says. 鈥淧eople of any gender can be perpetrators. And people of any gender can be victims. Arguably, a lot of male and LGBTQ survivors can face significant barriers [to seeking help] because it may be there鈥檚 this self-judgment鈥斺�業 can鈥檛 be a victim鈥欌�攁nd feeling the shame about that as related to one鈥檚 masculinity. And there are literally fewer supports and services available for male survivors.鈥�

During the pandemic, marginalized communities were affected more severely. 

鈥淲hile one in three white women reported having experienced domestic violence [during the pandemic], the rates of abuse increased dramatically to about 50% and higher for those marginalized by race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, citizenship status and cognitive physical ability,鈥� Erika Sussman, executive director of the Center for Survivor Advocacy and Justice, told TIME magazine.

Intimate partner violence occurs in LGBTQ couples at rates equal to or even higher than the rates in cisgender male鈥揻emale partners. According to research by advocacy group Human Rights Campaign, members of the LGBTQ community are likelier to be employed in highly affected industries like education, restaurants and retail. The economic challenges of the pandemic have hit those sectors especially hard. That means higher stress and a higher likelihood that that stress will explode into violence.

Isolation has always been one of the most powerful weapons in the abuser鈥檚 arsenal, and with the arrival of the pandemic came the introduction of lockdowns.

鈥淲hat we see with intimate partner violence is that, very often, the safest place for victims to be is outside of their home,鈥� Dardis says. 鈥淚f they live with their perpetrator, the safest place might not be at home. [Lockdown] increases the amount of time spent with their partner, which can therefore increase the risk of injury exponentially. It also can compound the isolation.鈥�

Being stuck indoors during the pandemic meant opportunities to disclose abuse鈥攁t doctor鈥檚 appointments, lunch with friends鈥攚ent unheeded, and the signs of abuse (often subtle) went unnoticed.

鈥淭he abuse was very, very slow,鈥� Combs says of her relationship. 鈥淵our abuser doesn't call you a bitch or fat right away. They start to say things like, 鈥榊ou're stupid.鈥� Then it goes on to calling you names. And now the person is screaming names at you.鈥�

Combs鈥� reflection on her relationship revealed many red flags she didn鈥檛 see then: how quickly her relationship moved and how much information she gave him without receiving the same; 鈥渇uture faking,鈥� where the abuser learns what you want most and paints a rosy picture of your future together; and gaslighting鈥擟ombs recalls how her perpetrator would reframe incidents of his abuse that put her in the wrong.

Williams advises that people pay attention to what they鈥檙e not hearing.

鈥淎 not-so-obvious sign is they never talk about this person. Or they get defensive,鈥� she says. 鈥淢aybe they are wearing different things or have a significant change in personality. There鈥檚 also a change in resources. 

This person may [have been] able to afford things for themselves. Or say, 鈥極h, they don't like me to wear that.鈥� Or, 鈥楾hey don't like me to buy those things anymore.鈥欌�� 

Despite the trauma survivors endure, many are reluctant to report incidents of IPV. Dardis鈥� research on IPV revealed a 3-4% reporting rate among 撸先生 students she surveyed who鈥檝e experienced sexual violence鈥攎ostly to family and friends. A recent UN report noted less than 40% of women globally who experience IPV seek help of any sort, and very few look to formal institutions. Less than 10% of those seeking help appealed to the police.

Some of Williams鈥� clients tell her they are afraid of retaliation by the abuser or that no one will believe them. 

鈥淭hey have called the police multiple times. And the police have sided with the abuser. So they wonder, 鈥榃ho will I go to?鈥欌�� she says. 鈥淭he abuser is very strategic, cutting off supports, finances. Trying to leave is you leaving your life.鈥�

Jessica Hessler, a coordinator of trauma services and staff psychologist at the 撸先生 Counseling Center, believes IPV may be underreported because of American culture.

鈥淢isogynistic, patriarchal norms and the red flags we might see within relationships are so often normalized,鈥� she says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 called rape culture. What we don鈥檛 have is a normalized way to check on people who may be experiencing abuse. I don鈥檛 know that in all spaces we have protocols to ask the questions or know what questions to ask or what to report.鈥�

Combs only called the police once, after her partner strangled her during an argument two months before their wedding, leaving handprints on her neck. Even then, she couldn鈥檛 bring herself to press charges.

鈥淭hat was too upsetting for me, because this was still a person I loved,鈥� she says. 鈥淏ecause sometimes, he was back to the person who I started dating. Now, I know that's not my fault at all. You strangle someone, you deserve to go to jail.鈥�

Leaving an abusive relationship isn鈥檛 as simple as walking out.

One of the reasons Dardis decided to research IPV was a client she worked with in graduate school. When the woman came to Dardis, telling her the man was watching the client鈥檚 Facebook check-ins and showing up, Dardis didn鈥檛 know what to do. And, at the time, there was essentially no research on cyberstalking. 

A frequently quoted statistic is, on average, survivors return to their abusive relationships seven times before they leave for good. And the pandemic has made connecting with resources, shelters, mental health services and law enforcement even harder.

鈥淲hen people leave an abusive relationship, it can be the most dangerous time,鈥� says Dardis. 鈥淭here's a lot of research documenting that when you first leave, there's often an increase in violence from that person. That's probably because this person is losing that grip of power and control. And if that's the motivation, then they'll escalate the behavior to try to reestablish it.鈥�

Leaving an abusive relationship requires a lot of the survivor: hiding money, surreptitiously removing belongings, collecting important documents and, if there are children involved, finding new schools and a shelter that accepts them, if there鈥檚 nowhere else to go, she says.

There are many ways people can help survivors of IPV. The first is education. Hessler and Karli DeGraw, assistant director of health education and promotion at 撸先生鈥檚 Health Center, are taking aim at that issue.

鈥淸Some people don鈥檛 know they are] experiencing sexual violence,鈥� DeGraw says. 鈥淲e live in a culture that normalizes those behaviors so intrinsically that they might not notice, 鈥楾hat鈥檚 coercion.鈥� 鈥楾hat鈥檚 sexual violence.鈥� The society this country has built is not survivor friendly.鈥�

She develops sexual health and violence prevention workshops and awareness campaigns as well as oversees two programs: the Sexual Assault Peer Education Program, a group of students committed to preventing sexual violence; and the Sexual Health Awareness Group, a group of students who provide non-judgmental, inclusive sexuality education to the campus community. 

The Health Center also offers free services for survivors: emergency contraception, exams and certain testing and lab work. The Counseling Center offers a same-day service model for the campus community; people can call and be seen by a clinician. The center expanded services to virtual visits during the pandemic and, while in-person has resumed, people can still be seen virtually. There are also group counseling sessions, a variety of workshops and outreach initiatives, and a 24/7 crisis support line.

The Office of Inclusion & Institutional Equity (OIIE) assists members of the 撸先生 community by coordinating university compliance with Title IX and responding to reports of sexual misconduct. OIIE provides outreach, resources and investigations as part of that response. Individuals can make a report or find sexual violence survivor resources on their website.
 
Another way to help is to be mindful of unintended consequences of your offer to assist. Approaching someone you suspect is experiencing IPV is best done cautiously, Dardis warns, because their abuser could overhear or review text messages received.

鈥淵ou might not want to reference abuse specifically,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou might want to say, 鈥業 haven鈥檛 been talking to you as much. I鈥檓 worried.鈥� And then you鈥檇 want to ask, 鈥榃hat is a good way to contact you? I don鈥檛 want to make you unsafe, so let鈥檚 make a plan.鈥欌�� She advises people to listen with an open mind and not initially offer solutions.

鈥淲hat is really needed is for someone to be willing to listen, to say that they believe the survivor, to not make light or minimize what's happening to that person and to be willing to be available repeatedly,鈥� Dardis says. 鈥淒isclosures like this are not a one-time process.鈥�

Hessler says a first step might be establishing a safe space for the individual experiencing abuse, not pressuring them to act in any ways they鈥檙e not ready for.

鈥淏ut it鈥檚 important, as a support person, to recognize no one person should be expected to know everything or have all the answers,鈥� she says. 鈥淭here are so many resources available, and it may be a matter of connecting that individual to those supports.鈥�

Organizations like Vera House offer many resources to their clients, including therapy services, shelter, advocacy services (like helping survivors get connected to the resources that they need to transition safely out of the relationship) and legal services.

Combs had a victim鈥檚 rights advocate with her when she went to court to get a restraining order.

鈥淪he sat with me and said, 鈥極K. Tell me what you're going to say when you get up there,鈥欌�� she says. 鈥淚t felt like this woman was on my side, and she was going to help me, and she really did.鈥�

Combs knows how lucky she was to have the support of her family, a job, her own bank account and health insurance to pay for therapy. So she decided to use her experiences to advocate for others.

In 2018, she started a podcast called . It has been downloaded in 65 countries. 

鈥淚t dawned on me, 鈥榃hat if I took the things that I had learned in therapy and interviewed experts on those things?鈥� So that way, people had the same resources that I had,鈥� she says. 

The first episode was on a topic Combs felt was vital: red flags to look for in your own relationship. Other episodes have focused on narcissism, gaslighting and how PTSD affects survivors of IPV. Between April and September 2020, the episode on gaslighting was downloaded four times as much as it was when it premiered. The episode on narcissism had a similar bump, receiving three times as many downloads as its premiere.

In each episode, Combs interviews an expert in the topic at hand. One of them, Amelia Kelley, became her co-author on their Amazon-best-selling book, . The book explores many common abusive tactics and offers suggestions on how a survivor can thrive after an abusive relationship by offering research-backed strategies and prompts, lists and other opportunities to explore their own feelings and experiences.

鈥淎s soon as I started speaking up, other people started speaking up,鈥� says Combs, who, in addition to her full-time job and time with her tight-knit family, has become an active advocate for survivors of IPV. 鈥淭hat's one of the reasons why I wrote the book, because you can take this thing that happened that was so terrorizing and traumatizing, and you can help other people who have gone through that same thing.鈥� 

IPV Survivor Resources

On-Campus

撸先生 Counseling Center
410-704-2512
鈥� Individual, same-day appointments 
鈥� Crisis support
鈥� Group counseling                      
鈥� Workshops and outreach

Office of Inclusion & Institutional Equity (OIIE)
鈥� Title IX coordinator: 410-704-0203
鈥�  

Sexual Assault Peer Educators (SAPE) and Sexual Health Awareness Group (SHAG)

CARE Team (if you are concerned for the well-being of a 撸先生 community member)
410-704-2055

撸先生 Police Department
410-704-4444

Women鈥檚 Resources Program (coordinates campus programming that addresses the unique needs of female college students)
410-704-2051 

Off-Campus (Local)

You can seek care at any local hospital even if you think you don鈥檛 want to press charges.
 
Sexual Assault Forensic Exams (S.A.F.E.)
鈥� The exam must be completed as soon as possible after the assault (typically within 120 hours).
 

6701 N. Charles St. 
Towson, MD 21204 
443-849-3323
 

345 St. Paul Pl.
Baltimore, MD 21202
410-332-9499

House of Ruth  
410-889-RUTH (7884) | Online Chat

(MCASA) 
1-800-893-RAPE (7273)
鈥� Works to help prevent sexual assault, advocate for accessible, compassionate care for survivors of sexual violence and work to hold offenders accountable. They provide helpful information regarding what to do after an experience of sexual violence, offer rape crisis center locators, and make many other resources available. 

 (educates young people about healthy and unhealthy relationships)

 (SALI) 
301-565-2277
鈥� Provides comprehensive legal services to survivors of sexual violence statewide, as well as training and technical assistance for professionals working with survivors.

Off-Campus (National)

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
 | Text Messaging: Text 鈥淪TART鈥� to 88788
 

(800) 273-TALK (8255) |
 
 
1-202-737-6444
鈥� National network that works attends to the immediate needs of those experiencing homelessness while protecting their civil rights